April
19, 2010, I was able to catch most of The Oprah Show, on which
the mother, father and brother of Oscar-winning actress, comedienne and
talk show host Monique appeared. They sat down to peel back the layers
of the sexual abuse and molestation she, on more than one occasion (on
the Oprah Show, in an interview with Essence Magazine and in talks
with Barbara Walters), says occurred at the hands of her elder brother,
Gerald.
In telling his story, Gerald says:
"I'm here today to first acknowledge what I've been in denial for
37 years, and that is I did assault and inappropriately touch my sister
in manners that were uncomfortable for her. And for that, I apologize
and I'm humbly sorry that those actions had taken place."
Monique has compared her brother and his
actions to that of a "monster." In fact, she says tapping into
that darkness is what enabled her to pull off the vile role of the mother
in the film Precious. "I knew very well who that monster was. I knew
Mary Jones," Mo'Nique told Oprah. "So when [the director] would
say, 'Action,' that's the monster that I became."
Unfortunately, getting touched "down
there," inappropriately kissed or suggestively approached by relatives
and authority figures is not as uncommon as we probably hope or pretend
it is. According to child abuse organization Darkness to Light, one in
four girls and one in six boys is sexually molested before the age of
18. Moreover, according to the organization, about 39 million adults who
have survived childhood sexual abuse exist today.
I am among them. But as I watched the excuses,
denials and refusals to come to terms with the toll of what really happened
on behalf of Monique's parents and even her brother, I felt like it all
came back.
Here's what Monique's mother said about her
daughter's public disclosure: "I only hope with doing this, this
can cleanse her heart. This can make her feel better about herself. Okay,
it took until she was 42 to do this. I don't care how long it took. I'm
just happy it happened."
She also talked about feeling embarrassed,
exposed and "hurt." When Monique told her mother about her brother's
advances years after it had stopped, her mother made him leave the house
for two weeks, only to unceremoniously allow him back in. "It was
just like we were mad yesterday but today we're not," she said on
the show.
Wow. Just wow. But like Oprah said, that's
what so many survivors of sexual abuse do. They act normal, as if nothing
seismic has happened and keep the beat going on. You see, from around
the ages of 5-8, an older male cousin touched and kissed me like I was
a grown woman and as if we weren't related by blood. And I also know that
I am not the only one among us who was so treated by him. I was also approached
by substitute teachers during my middle and high school years.
It wasn't until I was around 18 that I realized
why I was the way I was, why I made some of the choices I had, why I was
so seemingly provocatively open and inclined. It all went back to those
formative years when the innocence of my very foundation developed untold
cracks and vulnerabilities. What else could have made a 12-year-old seek
acceptance by no means other than sex, only to end up raped when she changed
her mind? What else could have made a girl who was smart and came from
stability by all appearances act out in defiance and dismissiveness, only
to use that same body that was violated as a tool to feel wanted, desired,
accepted, on some level?
I remember, like Monique, years later telling
my mother what had happened. She was very nonchalant about it, even making
excuses for my cousin because he was "slow" or developmentally
delayed. As if that's an excuse. Like I, as a five-year-old, had a clue
about what that meant and should have exercised a sense of agency in preventing
it from happening. As if an elder touching a child can be excused by pretending
they didn't know any better.
If he didn't know it was wrong, he would
not have always done it when no one was around, always peeking around
corners and through bushes.
Puh-lease.
Today, I cannot stand to be around or look
like him. And for years, I tolerated his presence at family gatherings
and such. But like Monique, I think I'm going to cut that cord and just
bounce (that is, leave, for non-urbanely inclined) whenever he appears.
I cannot bear his visual and even more so cannot stand my children even
being in his vicinity.
Today, I don't blame my mother for her response.
I believe it's rooted in the same ignorance that makes so many black folks
believe things like we can't be gay, don't get AIDS, never have psychological
issues and can be spiritually redeemed even if we sin all week, as long
as we go to church on Sunday.
I lover her, but I will always hate the way
she responded, and my parents' failure to connect the dots between that
series of events and later ones that occurred.
BlackCommentator.com Columnist K. Danielle Edwards is
a Nashville-based poet, writer, blogger, adjunct professor and communications
professional, has had works featured in or on National Public Radio, The
Root, The Washington Post, Mythium Literary Journal, Black Magnolias Literary
Journal, MotherVerse Literary Journal, ParentingExpress, Mamazine, Mamaphonic,
The Black World Today, Africana.com and more. She has authored a novella-memoir, Stacey Jones: Memoirs of Girl & Woman, Body & Spirit,
Life & Death (2005). Click
here to contact Ms. Edwards. |