On
March 18, 2009 my first born, Bianca Cason Fletcher, would have
been 23. Instead, on March 21, 1986 she became a statistic, falling
into the category of infant mortality among African Americans.
My
wife’s pregnancy had been proceeding along very well. Then one weekend
she came down with the flu. Whether this triggered the premature
labor we will never know, but into labor she went. The medical personnel
thought that they could bring everything under control, but it was
not meant to be. On March 18, 1986 a beautiful, and very small,
little golden brown girl briefly entered the world. My wife was
6 months pregnant at the time of the birth and we had not come close
to establishing what we would name our child, though the name Bianca
had been in the running.
I
saw Bianca waving her arms around and she was squeaking (there really
is no other word since her lungs were not fully developed). Under
other circumstances, it would have been charming. She was quickly
moved into an incubator and we prayed. By March 21st, however, it
was clear that something was very wrong. The doctors notified us
that Bianca had suffered a brain hemorrhage and that, in addition,
her lungs were insufficiently developed. In effect, she was being
kept alive by a machine.
My
wife and I made the decision to have the machine turned off. We
did not want Bianca to go on that way. We could not imagine her
simply existing with whatever the long-term consequences
might be.
On
March 21st my wife and I entered a world we had not known existed.
It was not simply the agony and fury that accompanied the loss of
one’s child. It was also not the intense impatience that shadowed
us for months like an apparition, an impatience the likes of which
I had never experienced. This was the world of the parents who
had lost children; a world that exists almost like an underground
movement.
Let
me tell you about this world since it is not regularly discussed
in polite company. We, who have lost a child, rarely bring up this
loss in public. In part because we live in a society that does not
know how to deal with death generally, there is little space to
share one’s grief and not be treated as if one has lost one’s mind.
It is even difficult to share this with friends. I actually lost
a good friend at the time of the death of Bianca. I called him,
not looking for answers but looking to just know that he was there.
He was silent except for repeating that he did not know what to
say. In fact, from that day on he avoided me altogether, admitting
years later to a mutual friend that he simply “…did not know what
to tell…” me.
I
did not want or need him to tell me anything. I just needed him
to be there.
So,
those of us in the ‘underground’ often keep it to ourselves. About
two weeks after the death of Bianca most of our friends and associates
assumed that everything was fine now and that we could all go about
our lives as if everything was normal. Unfortunately, it does not
work that way because what those of us in the ‘underground’ know
is that while we can and will regain happiness in the future, there
is a hole that has opened up; a wound that has been inflicted, that
never quite heals, even if one is lucky enough to have another child.
Those
of us in the ‘underground’, when we discover another ‘member,’ are
often surprised. We open to each other carefully because no two
people mourn in the same way, a fact, by the way, which apparently
contributes to relationship breakups upon the death of a child.
Some members of the ‘underground’ never wish to discuss what happened
to them, barely acknowledging it. Others are so gratified to find
someone with whom they can share the experience and gain empathy.
And
then we go about our ways. We are often reluctant to raise the
experience, even with other members of the ‘underground,’ for fear
that we will be judged as having never gotten over the loss. So,
we hold onto the pain, normally suppressing it and hoping that nothing
ever reminds us of the experience.
There
is a particular aspect of this horror that affects men differently
than women, an aspect that demonstrates how toxic are both male
supremacy and gender roles. Men are expected to not be as affected
by the loss of a child as are women. In fact, I had an associate
point out to me that no matter how bad I felt, I needed to remember
that my wife felt worse. What the hell was he thinking?
In
a technologically advanced society one is not prepared for losses
in child-birth. One reads about them in books and articles, but
usually one thinks about them happening somewhere else and to someone
else. When it happens to you, there is a tendency to blame yourself
and/or blame your partner. What if I or we had done this or that,
you ask. But at the end of the day, if you were getting good prenatal
care it was more than likely nothing that you did or did not do;
it was fate, a concept very hard to accept but a concept that is
very real.
Every
March 18th and March 21st I think about my first born, that is,
I do some special thinking about her. She will always be part of
who I am. And our loss of Bianca will also remind me of so many
other people out there who have had similar such losses, sometimes
having known their children less time, in other cases having known
them much longer.
My
regret, in addition to having lost Bianca, is that we live in a
society that is so intolerant of sadness and grief; is so fearful
of expressions of certain emotions; and fails to acknowledge that
the experience of life is one that has the polar opposites of happiness
and grief, and that we must be prepared to experience both, not
only by ourselves, but with our friends and loved ones.
I
never say “happy birthday, Bianca.” It seems so odd to me when I
read the obituaries and I see notes to departed friends and family
to that effect. I say, instead, “Kiddo, I miss you, and I wish that
you had grown up to know and love your great sister who entered
this world two years and eleven months after we lost you.”
BlackCommentator.com
Executive Editor, Bill Fletcher, Jr., is a Senior Scholar with the
Institute for Policy Studies,
the immediate past president of TransAfrica Forum and co-author of, Solidarity Divided: The Crisis in Organized Labor and a New Path
toward Social Justice (University
of California Press), which examines the crisis of organized labor
in the USA. Click here
to contact Mr. Fletcher.
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